Since Birth
Well folks, the new year brought it...and brought it hard, heavy, and fast. I'm already tired and the year just began. I found out a couple days ago that my health insurance has declined all tests and procedures related to Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia 2A, the genetic disorder I was so privileged to inherit. It's been categorized as "congenital", a health condition I've had since birth, and therefore exempt from coverage. Unfortunately, I had no idea such a provision even existed seeing that my brother's and father's insurance covered it all just fine. I would have never had my thyroidectomy nor most of my tests if I would have known about it. As it is, I'm looking at approximately $100,000 worth of medical debt, on top of all that wonderful school debt I'm racking up for a useless degree at a prestigious university. On the bright side, I've been personally chosen as the lead role in the sequel to the movie classic "It's a Wonderful Life." I've been told not only that Jimmy Stewart's got nothing on me as an actor but also that Mr. Potter is dead. So I've got that goin for me...which is nice...
On the even brighter side, a friend who I consider to be my own blood is moving out of town this weekend to go back to his home in Pennsylvania. One of those classic "it's great for him while it sucks for me" scenarios. I know people have felt the same about me in the past in this regard so I suppose I can't complain too much. The problem, of course, is that I like to complain. I like to bitch and moan about how bad life is and how I have no direction and how I don't even believe in 90% of the things I study anymore. It's just fun. But all that notwithstanding, all the things I bitch about end up being true...over and over again...(Hopefully it's clear the "I like" part of those sentences was sarcastic...right?...). But you see, people like me better when I'm fucked up (ever noticed how many comments the angry walrus posts get?). It's a simple fact. I often wonder whether I like myself better that way, if for no other reason than I have forgotten what the hell it was like to feel normal. Or maybe the ruse is that I think there ever was a normal side of me. Now you see why I'm tired...
On top of all this, here's what I've been thinking lately. Sometimes I just wonder whether I'm trying too hard to make something work when there seems to be no point. I'm studying to be a theology teacher but I don't go to church. I barely believe in God and the part that's barely has less to do with God than it does the truth I find in friendship. I know more about Christianity than other religions but I no longer call myself a Christian (because I don't know what it means). I'm cool with the whole Jesus thing but I'm not cool with the churches or the schools that are cool with it. All this, of course, begs the question as to why the hell I'm studying theology. Well, frankly I do believe I have some things to say in regards to theology but the only context in which I can say them is on a blog...or in a bar...or in a picket line...or in a bed...or on a friends' deck grilling chicken at 3 am (thanks lfw)...none of which is very promising for a prosperous career...or a career at all...which brings me back to square one: what do I do with my life? An added factor now is that, if I want to assure my cancer won't return, I should find a job with adequate health insurance...such as, for example, a job with the government. But seeing that I barely believe in God, I'm not sure I'll get hired by the government either (nice Alan Shore joke for those who are officially cool). So in the meantime, I'm just going to do what I do best: get really angry...because you all like me better that way anyways...and apparently so do I... Not to worry, I'll find new and creative ways to repress it...and express it...and pour it in a chilled glass so tempting you'll be begging me for a glass slightly more room temp just to ease the pain that begs you to love the absurdity of it all. But on the bright side..........
Cheers, my friends.
posted by thewalrus at 1:27 AM
34 Comments:
I would also request that all of you find a way to honor our guy MLKJ today. I consider him to be one of the greatest men to have walked this earth.
On this day, thesecondchance recognizes the legacy of a man who believed in something he had no earthly business doing so.
12:27 AM, January 21, 2008
cheers to Dr. King!
That insurance thing sucks unbelievably.
1:26 AM, January 21, 2008
First of all, Jesus didn't have health insurance, so it's unholy for you to even think you should have been covered. That's your own fault, ya heathen bastard.
Second, you're neither a heathen nor a bastard.
I don't mind admitting publicly that I recently broke down to you. I couldn't have done that with just anyone, and besides, you were such a part of that moment even before it happened.
Allow me to let my fellow Second Chance patrons in on a little something--if it weren't for the Second Chance (and by extension, the loving space of friendship that The Walrus has created for us in our physical lives) many of us would be lesser people. I know for a frigging fact that I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for that guy. More than that, sometimes I don't know if I would have stuck around if it weren't for that dude.
Frankly, Walrus, you have made it ok for me to be me. I'm not sure I know anyone who's been dealt a harder hand than you've been, and whether you like it or not, you've weathered it more gracefully than anyone I know would have. You're the man without feet when I wish I had nicer shoes, for sure. But that's not what I'm talking about.
I know for an effing fact that you would love me more than anyone no matter what's going on in your life. And you know what? That doesn't go unnoticed. You will be loved, at least by this patron, more intensely than most people will ever be loved. I wish it hadn't taken so much, but all of your surgeries, all of your bills, all of your history, and all of your unanswered questions have made me feel more for you than I have ever felt for a human being. You're the brother I never had, and I hope that means something to you, because it certainly does to me. Nothing is more important to me than family, and you're more important than even that.
So what's the reason we're doing what were doing? Well, who knows...but you've taught me, somehow, that it's worth it.
Remember that bit in Nietzsche's Zarathustra, the "Death of God" bit , where the dude comes down and says, "I've come too early!"
Tonight, I realized that I came to Nashville too early. Whatever I could express by my living, Nashville was never going to be ready for...and I don't think you've found the community that's ready for you yet. Does that suck? yes. Should that remain vital to you and remain a driving force? Fucking yes. I hate that it has to be this way, but somehow you've been given the tragic opportunity to live life more deeply than anyone I know. Live that. And know that there will always be people to love you and support you every step of the way.
2:04 AM, January 21, 2008
11 When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
6:09 PM, January 21, 2008
not everybody likes you better fucked up...that's just the only way some of us have ever known you and i love you regardless, fucker;)
10:40 PM, January 21, 2008
walrus,
the insurance deal is not good, I am sorry you are having to deal with that...
Maybe you need to go check out the music of Paul Thorn, it will put a smile on your face i do believe...
pour one up for me and then drive on down to The Rock and I'll buy...
10:49 AM, January 22, 2008
lfw - Your comment was very nicely said. Both you and The Walrus are incredibly fortunate to have such a friendship. I'll tip my glass to you both in admiration of that.
Walrus, we've discussed much of this in detail outside of the bar on previous occasions, but I'd like to reiterate a point or two here for your drinking pleasure. Despite, or maybe in part because of, all the fucked up shit that's been handed to you, you do still show us all that you have the capacity to stand and face it and struggle through the toughest of unwarranted situations with a strength and grace that is very admirable. Not that that's easy, but you do continue to make it through and you do grow from the experience. And you do so with a seemingly natural determination that you yourself may not even recognize -- especially while in the midst of the ugliness of it all. Of course, that's our view from the outside; on the inside I know it is hard to deal with a lot of it, and I'm sorry that you have it to deal with.
That medical/insurance situation is unbelievably ridiculous and absurd. I don't even know what else to say. I hope it works out. As for the "useless degree at a prestigious university", I do think at some point you'll find a deserving place to utilize that degree and positively impact people with a mix of your own knowledge and interpretation of theology and your care and compassion for others. You just haven't arrived at whatever or wherever that place is yet. I've seen the impact you have on other people's lives, and I've experienced it myself. You've inspired me personally to be a better person, and I think you have a gift for instilling that in people, whether through friendships or through teaching, or in whatever situation.
It remains my view that much of the shit we experience in life ironically somehow presents us with something meaningful and unexpected. And while it's hard to see the "bright side" from where you are right now, I do believe it's there. I"ll leave you with a couple glasses of Aberlour in the meantime.
12:58 PM, January 22, 2008
Just thought I would say thanks to you guys for dropping by and commenting. Like dante, I am moved into silence by the weight of your words. They mean more to me than you know. I have been fortunate enough to have the best friends in the world.
As an update of sorts, it seems that the insurance situation might not be as dire as I had previously imagined. Seeing that I'm poor and have no assets of any worth to seize, chances are good they won't do much about it if I'm unable to pay. They can likely destroy my credit, which is certainly bad, but at least it's not something that will put me on the streets.
I appreciate all of you stopping by to read the post. I can only hope I'm still a good bartender even when I'm angry (or especially then). Perhaps my next post will be about the bright side. One thing about me though is that I am a fighter, I don't quit, so at the very least I'll still be here bartending. Cheers.
11:44 AM, January 23, 2008
Also, I'll hopefully get up one more post before the annual anniversary post hits. Yes, on February 15, we will have been up and running for 3 raucous years. For your viewing pleasure, here's the anniversary posts from 2006 and 2007. Some things change, some stay the same...
2006 Anniversary Post
2007 Anniversary Post
11:58 AM, January 23, 2008
Walrus, what you offer isn't something "angry" or at other times "bright." You have a rare skill at putting forth reality in all of it's raw absurdity. You are an ethnographer.
I wish I could sit with you. But for now, know that I offer (like so many others) my silence and dismay.
If you need to run from the creditors, they won't be able to find you in MZ. Just keep that in mind.
I need a cold beer. Put "Raised to Be Lowered" (Saul Williams) in the gramophone for me. Peace my friend.
2:23 PM, January 24, 2008
squanchum, thank you, your few words meant a lot to me. I might take you up on a trip to MZ. I'd love to come visit. Be well.
9:58 PM, January 27, 2008
I wish I could offer something profoundly encouraging, but I can't. You're in my thoughts and I wish you the best.
11:12 AM, January 28, 2008
lb, thank you. Just being out there and listening is profoundly encouraging to me. Thanks to all of you for stopping by and commenting. I get excited like a schoolboy when you guys comment.
5:50 PM, January 28, 2008
how many things don't get you excited like a schoolboy?
I mean, er, you're a very excitable man. I mean, you, er, well..I gotta go.
6:32 PM, January 29, 2008
I can't help it, I was born that way...
aaaaahhhhh, get it? "born that way," "since birth"?? My humor's apparently the same too! ;)
6:41 PM, January 29, 2008
Test.
10:17 PM, February 01, 2008
Walrus, an old, mutual friend of ours passed along your blog site to me. If you are in fact who I have been told you are, then we go all the way back to elementary school together at the Hill.
I tried to catch up on all the old blogs, but three years worth is a long read... so please don't hold it against me if I ask something that has been blatantly obvious in previous posts.
I really first came to your site to have a chance at tracking down some old friends... then I realized from reading your posts that you don't seem to be the same fellow I remember from the old days. I don't know your life's story, but would love to know the reasons you have turned from being a christian. The guy I remember was one of the strongest believers I knew at the time?? I have to say it breaks my heart a little to read some of your posts.
Please don't think that I am trying to judge at all, I am just trying to understand. You are one of the smartest dudes I've ever been around, and I'm sure your reasons are valid. I sent this anonymously because I didn't know how you would react to such a personal inquiry... I didn't want to tarnish your feelings toward me in case it pissed you off.
Again, please, please don't take any of this the wrong way. I just really want to understand more about the journey my old friend has taken over the years that has led to such a drastic transition. I have more respect for you than you will ever know. I really hope you are doing well. I'm sorry to hear about the insurance crap... just tell them to take that $100k and shove it straight up their asses!
Love you man.
-an old friend.
10:51 PM, February 01, 2008
anonymous, welcome to thesecondchance. Your first round's on the house.
I don't take your comments the wrong way. I would encourage you to read some of the religion posts a bit closer as I think you'll have a different understanding of where I stand in regards to Christianity. I'm not sure that describing me as having "turned from being a Christian" is really all that accurate. It is safe to say I do not call myself a "Christian" but that's essentially because I think the term has lost any valuable meaning. Does this mean that I have lost "faith"? Well, no, but my faith probably looks different than what is commonly associated with Christianity. Do I still follow the teachings of the Christ? Well, yes, but I do not make any claims of exclusivity towards truth.
It is certainly true that I am quite a different person now than I was in high school but there are certain continuities as well (e.g., my humor, which is much drier and more sarcastic, is still on the level of a 16-year old). I have had a number of life experiences over the past 8 years that have changed my outlook on life, including religion. I found that the best way I could remain faithful to God is to remain faithful to myself and my friends around me. To do that required me to leave the "Church" (as manifested in local community). I hope at some point to regain my faith in the potential of community to embody love and peace but at the moment, I'm not there. I have (ironically) managed to make theology my career so it's safe to say I'll be in conversation with it for some time.
Well, in your spare time, I would encourage you to go back and read some of the older posts (esp. those within the past year and a half...the ones from the very beginning are a little spicy as they came from my restaurant server days. I still stand by everything I wrote then but I also think that those posts wouldn't necessarily give you a completely accurate picture of me in the present). Anyways, I do not take offense to your questions about me. It's just tough to give you an answer because my beliefs and thoughts are highly contextualized in my life experiences.
I am interested to know who you are though. If you're up for that, you can give me a hint on here or email me or message me through myspace. In the meantime, grab an alias and keep commenting! Thanks for stopping by. Cheers.
1:48 PM, February 03, 2008
I must say an old Hill person had aroused my curiosity as well...
any predictions on the Super Bowl?
6:12 PM, February 03, 2008
Walrus, thanks for the response and the first round. Jameson on the rocks for me, please.
I am trying to understand a little more of your stance on "faith." I still have not had time to read the old posts as of yet. If I understand correctly, your belief if Jesus Christ is as it always was? It seems that you have no arguements with the bible and/or God's teachings, but that you have more of a problem with the average "christian" and their tendancy to live two different lives? Just as some community churches "live two different lives." Do you feel that structured christianity maybe has one public persona that they display to the community and then somtimes pull a complete 180 on individual dealings? If so, I have felt the same in the past.
If someone were to ask you your beliefs in Jesus Christ, salvation, heaven/ hell and eternity... what would your response be? I am interested in your response both as an individual and as a theologian.
In your studies, have you spent much time on biblical prophecy? Prophecy is very intriguing to me and studying it has become on of my hobbies. If you have, I would love to hear your thoughts on the current events in the middle east and how/ if they are indicative of the end times.
Hope I'm not getting too deep here. If I am, I apoligize.
2coopers, I certainly recognize you from the good ol days... cute kid! First one? Oh, and BAMA will most defnintely end up with the no. 1 recruiting class in the country! ROLL TIDE fellas...
9:58 PM, February 03, 2008
anonymous, thanks for commenting. I'm off for the evening as I have an early start tomorrow. I hope to get to a response at work tomorrow but if not hopefully tomorrow night. In the meantime, I'll set the bottle of Jameson on the counter for you. It'll be half-empty as that is my usual whiskey of choice but feel free to put a dent in the rest. I have backups...
As for Bama, yes, I think they'll get close to #1 but they need to grab Jones out of the mix. Either way, we'll have a great group to work with. Snagging Lawrence last week was a good prelude.
By the way, if you're up for it you should go to blogger.com and sign up for an account so you can have an alias. You gonna offer any hints as to your identity?
11:58 PM, February 03, 2008
anonymous, yes first kid...i think i may have a clue as to who you are...
Roll Tide from The Rock...
4:45 PM, February 04, 2008
Walrus (this is "anonymous"), I don't know if half a bottle is going to cut it with my habits... better set out another. I did take your advice and sign up as "an old friend." It's a little gay, I know, but it will work for now. Not sure that I am willing to give up the identity just yet, but I would love to hear some suggestions or hints from 2coopers if he has an idea... even if they are in code.
As for BAMA, I think Julio Jones is in the bag, but I guess we won't know for sure until Weds. Lawrence was a huge grab... it is also good that Kevin Steele confirmed his staying before commitment day. ROLL TIDE... too bad Auburn isn't even on the recruiting map... I really hate it for ole wingnut.
8:02 PM, February 04, 2008
Well, my hopes in getting up some thoughts for you vanished in the storm of homework tonight. I'll get you a response up sometime tomorrow though. It was interesting that we discussed salvation in one of my classes this morning. I found my descriptive capabilities a bit wanting at the time but it'll be interesting to talk it through here. Who knows, I may conjure up a new post out of the deal. Have a good night. I set a fresh bottle on the counter for you.
12:52 AM, February 05, 2008
Old friend, I actually sat down to spend some time with responding to your questions and realized that it truly would be best for you to browse through some of the old posts first. It will at least help contextualize some of the things I have to say. Here’s a sampling of posts on my beliefs:
http://321am.blogspot.com/2007/02/staring-at-sun-ethics-part-one.html
http://321am.blogspot.com/2007/08/i-used-to-be-christian.html
http://321am.blogspot.com/2007/10/good-news.html
http://321am.blogspot.com/2006/05/regular-day.html
http://321am.blogspot.com/2006/02/question-of-fate.html
http://321am.blogspot.com/2006/03/my-answer-of-hate.html
http://321am.blogspot.com/2006/03/revision-of-love.html
I will say a few brief things to satisfy, however. I can’t say that my belief in Jesus is as it always has been for me. The key difference is that I’m no longer dogmatic in my approach to Christianity. I don’t believe it consists in a set of beliefs to which one must adhere correctly. Regarding salvation, I do not believe in the traditional heaven/hell doctrines. I am simply unable to reconcile the reality of a God of love and an eternity of suffering. In regards to prophecy, I do find it intriguing but I am certainly no expert. I tend to be wary of interpreting current events as fulfillments of biblical prophecy as it seems to be more of an interpretive effort on our part to provide meaning for the chaos in our time. But again, I’m no expert. Ok, well, hopefully I have given you enough to narrow the questions a bit. I would love to continue a conversation if you are up for it. Take care. Cheers.
11:21 PM, February 05, 2008
Sorry, I forgot how to do hyperlinks on blogger.
11:21 PM, February 05, 2008
thewalrus, looking at your responses to "old friend" you might just be a damn, frickin scientologist... Tom Cruise called and would like to have all his bullshit back!
11:38 PM, February 07, 2008
On the upside, I do have you to take my calls for me...
3:55 PM, February 08, 2008
So is "scientology" the new straw man in town? Heathenism is so much more fitting...and satisfying...
3:58 PM, February 08, 2008
I have just a real quick question for "anonymous". Um, what???
6:07 PM, February 09, 2008
Walrus, thank you so much for the links to past posts. I have read a couple and I think I understand where you are coming from. I have not been able to get as deep as I would like due to my family being hostage of the flu, but I hope to read all the links you provided in the very near future.
By the way, the "anonymous" post from the scientology freak was not me... who peed in that dude's Cheerios?
Hope to be back soon! ROLL TIDE!!! How about that Jerrell Harris icing on top of our recruiting cake?!
10:24 PM, February 09, 2008
old friend, you give up or you still reading?
10:12 PM, February 19, 2008
Walrus, still around. Just MIA for a bit. Been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest trying to dig out of a whole that the flu dug for me at work.
More soon... I hope. Until then, please keep a bottle of Jameson open for me!
10:20 PM, February 25, 2008
Sorry 'bout the flu, it's been going around. No worries on taking time. Clearly I'm in over my head myself that I'm almost 2 weeks late on my anniversary post. Spring break starts on Friday so I should get it up in the next few days.
Oh, and the Jameson's on the counter for ya.
1:47 PM, February 26, 2008
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